Yesterday there was this story on social media about
some Nigerian governor who looks like how I never wish one of my sons to look
like...marrying this Cape Verdean super model. Looking at the reaction elicited
from the common mwananchi out there I was like…what so surprising about that?
The age difference? I mean this is something that happens more frequently than
my liking. Back where I come from, one character is a master in this piece of
art, my cousin Waswa…
On an average day Waswa is not rich, but during the
sugar cane harvesting period this guy is the big thing, forget about the Dubai
and Qatar billionaires. You see, where I come from there are two types of days
namely, normal day and sugar cane harvesting day. A normal day is most of the
days where life is very uneventful. Waswa would wake up to slash grass in front
of his cottage and then wash his bicycle that he would thereafter use to go to
harambee market in such of omena for supper. However, on a sugar cane day
things are different, the day would begin with Waswa waking up, brushing his
teeth, and rushing to Mumias Sugar Company to confirm if they had released the
sugar cane money into his bank account. If he is lucky enough and one of the
managers has not used his money to take his mistress for a holiday in what was
that city… Puerto Rico? He would rush to the nearest KCB mtaani agent to
withdraw the Ksh25000.He would then head for the nearest Bajaj motors dealer to
buy a motor bike that he would sell again when the volume of the money has
reduced to manageable sizes. A stop at the modern coast stage would be next as
he heads for a week’s holiday in Mombasa. But that was before he discovered the
little sweet secret, women.
When he discovered that money could buy you many
goods and services especially the services, Waswas first catch was Truphena;
most sought after socialite in all the seven villages Bumula. It will only be
fair to note that I had a crush for truphena for 12 years since when I was in
class seven and she was in class three. So when I was heading for my long
holiday the other day she was number two on the ‘eat priority list’, losing
narrowly to the Pastor’s daughter. What I did not know was that my Cousin Waswa
also had similar ideas. Not that I feared losing to him,nay.After all, wasn’t I
the same Makokha,the third most eligible bachelor in the country After Biko
Adema and Ian Mugoya(well,well,well…The list might not be accurate. This is
just according to Irene, my Kamba girlfriend, I think am the first!)My
handsomeness credentials include Mr. Dry season and second runners up in Mr.Tourism
Bumula-my cousin Waswa was part of the judging panel so I guess that explains
why they robbed me off the title. After a failed coup attempt at getting the
pastors daughter, I proceeded to the next victim on the list; Truphena.I began
with a visit to waswas cottage for a brief on the state of the nation of
Truphena.When I got there I noticed that the sugar cane had been harvested,
money was in…cool! My cousin Waswa received me warmly and even ordered his
younger sister to go buy for me a soda that had my name on it.In his signature
style, with a smile spontaneously playing on his lips he started the daily
dirt.
Bana we ni kama ndugu,akuna aja ni kwenjoi tena vile
nilikufanyeko kwa ule mtoto wa pastor.uyu truphena unataka ni mpowaa bwana.Ata
vile alienda VCT nlijua results ilkue positive…a-a yani nekatif!
He went on to shower her with praises. Since he felt
bad over the trick he played on me with the pastor’s daughter, he would
compensate by even bringing the girl for me at 2pm.All I had to do was to come
at 2pm in his cottage and voila, Truphena was all mine.OMG!How could I ever
hate this guy? I mean, he is so good. He even has a cute smile…it is just that
I hate cute if it’s a man!
That day 2pm came very early. After I had finished
giving water to my father’s cows, I took a bath and rushed to Waswas cottage.
The door was locked and loud music was playing. Great, the rich guy had bought
a state of art sound system. I knocked on the door impatiently and after what
seemed like an eternity, he came dressed in beach shorts and a Ronaldo vest,
partially opened the door and stood there silent; just smiling. I was about to
ask him where the girl was when I saw the shoes on the door. I bumped into the
house and what do I see? There she was coiled between the sheets oblivious of my Presence. It was very evident they were in
the middle of something nice. I turned back and jumped on my cousin who had
been smiling all this time. Please, when we meet, do not ask me where my two
front teeth went!