The devil is a liar…
Amen!
Here I was in Yeso Ne Kresto Miracles and deliverance
church, it was my first this year, and I was feeling out of place. Not that am
complaining though, far from it.Infact, I was enjoying the show. The woman in
front of me was quite interesting. She had a human resource Centre that would
make Vera Sidica (is that the correct spelling? Whatever!) run away in shame.
Okay, if you have ever been to any church that has a miracle in its title then
you have a rough idea of the type of vigorous shaking that is there. Boy, it
was one hell of scenery. Am not a pervert, the Holy book was very systematic in
the Book of Bramuel I have forgotten the chapter that staring at a ladies human
resource Centre in church is a sin. I was not staring, I was just taking quick
peeks frequently, give me a break!
How I got myself in church today is a long story…but am
going to tell you anyway! I had just landed at the village for my long holiday.
Listen do not get me wrong, landing here refers to alighting from Mbukinya
Express while carrying a sack of tomatoes I bought in Turbo from the remaining
pennies from my HELB funds. I was received with ululations from the women; son
of the tribe had come back from the big city. I was given warm water to wash my
hands and even drunk tea from the glass cup! I couldn’t believe it; imagine
drinking from our legendary glass cup? I mean, that cup is preserved only for
my Uncle who happens to be P.C in Nyeri! I couldn’t believe it; imagine
drinking from our legendary glass cup? I mean, that cup is preserved only for
my Uncle who happens to be P.C in Nyeri (hehe,am lying; okay he is a headmaster
in Mufutu primary but still that’s a big title!)My lil bro got very jealous
over my immense achievements, I have a feeling he is plotting something.Nkt,
wacha asome pia aende Nairobi, mi nilisoma!
After all the pleasantries I had to hatch a plan of how I
would visit my Cousin Waswa.This man is my grounds man and comes in handy on
updating me on who has got who pregnant or who married who while I was away. He
is not just an avid gossiper but also a famous musician in all of Bumula.His
hits are the ones that grace every funeral dance in Bumula.The other day he
called me to ask for a loan. He wanted to sue Willy Paul; he had stolen his yet
to be released hit song` Asondo’-he claimed. Getting a chance to escape became tricky
because when the villagers heard of my return flocked our home to hear stories
of Nairovi.To be frank, my stories were very boring; almost as boring as a
Chelsea game…er, I…err am being too harsh really. Can anything get that boring
really?
I got the opportunity
to see my cousin Waswa, and he smiled! Cool, the Jubilee government really has
done something. Colgate must be cheap these days. He got to his duty of
enlightening me.
Mtoto WA pastor alimaliza form four…ako poa bana uyo usiache,
he said smiling sheepishly.
He did not need to say anything anymore. It was a unanimous
agreement between me and i.I was going to church the following day.
Here I was, I was yet to see her. I was getting frustrated.
When offerings time came, I was not feeling like giving but when I saw how Mama
Assembly eyed me, I knew better than no to! The preacher was blubbering
something about Moses and loving your enemies. It was a fine story; it sends me
directly to sleep. I did not awake until when I heard the shuffling of peoples
feets.The service had ended. I came up with a plan B.You see, unlike Arsene
Wenger, I do have plan Bs.I had to rush to thepastor’s home and see his
beautiful daughter before he arrived from the butchery where he would have gone
to buy pork with the offering. I rushed to his home and knocked on the door,
and guess who opens? Scolastica, the apple of my eye! But wait, what I saw made
me stutter.my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets(did I tell you I learnt
this phrase when I was in class five?) I opened my mouth and left it that way.
Aaahnlikuakonmekujatukukusalimaekotu, I managed to murmur
then took off at a speed that would make Floyd Mayweather look like a kid…that
is a boxer? What I meant was Bolt! Scola had a protruding stomach; it was very
evident she was pregnant. My cousin Waswa had managed to embarrass me…Boko Haram,
please bring back our girls, and take my cousin Waswa!