My first date is supposed to be that moment of magic but This Is NOT Ess

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The first date is supposed to be that moment of magic, that moment when the world stands still and the Carlifonia moon comes out,the crickets go silent and the jackals stand on their hind legs,clapping and howling. it is supposed to be somewhere cool and private, somewhere where the lies you say can be and will be used against you in a maternity Ward. My first date was not any of this but it was a date anyway.
Fresh from spending a term at the prestigious Chesamisi school and gaining enormous expertise in matters dating I was ready to become the village cockerel. Forget about my childhood crush Vivica Bella( hope I got the spelling right) she was several years older than me but we had one thing in common,we were all vertically challenged. She always looked hot wearing that bluish skirt and white top each time she left for school. I was in primary when I developed this crush,I have for long stalked her(I just stopped doing that recently ) I would always hang around her aunt's salon( let's call the aunt Mama Tim). One day after meeting Edwin Kings who had refused to go back to school for the August holiday tuition ( did I say he had an enormous crush on my neighbor Betty wa Hips? Ooops I just did say that) we planned on how I was going to get a kiss,a French kiss. Our target was Laura Mwangi.
That day I carefully put on my vasco da Gama inspired akala's ( sharp shooter akalas) my 3/4 baggy jeans and for the 1 st time tried an Afro. I knew that Vivica's small siz Pauline would be at Mama Tim's and Laura would pass by before dusk settled. I mastered all the polite terms from "excuse me mama Tim, may I......" to complex terms like "Let's Tango" I gathered lines from Ja Rule and Nas,twisted something from E-sir and ooooh boy it was a nice collection. I wrote a very romantic letter thanks to kings ( I owe you one bro) and my Bro Stitch put the Midas touch on it "calligraphy " I was now set for the date of the century.
45 minutes later I was at the Salon as Laura entered, I fidgeted,smiled like arap Singh when he receives a title deed of a grabbed land. My heart was busy doing Azonto. Just then Mama Tim's Nokia 3310 rang and after a few " nini.....saa ngapi...sana?..... nakuja" she left the Salon rushing to the hospital for an emergency asking us to keep an eye on the salon (if only she had known that the call was a fake one engineered by one Faraday Mbakaya my associate in this genocide ...) I was left alone with Laura and I quickly launched my manifesto and 5 year strategic plan. In my haste I forgot to use the letter. I talked about Chemistry, Biology and History,hoping that the good Lord who works in mysterious ways would open her inner eye and let her know my desire for a kiss...... But even before the Lord heard my humble plea Pauline came in and I had to stick to academics.... How the monsoon winds and the moonwalker vodka helped the Indian ocean trade.
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Being a true son of the soil I quickly acknowledged this as a lost cause,I cunningly excused myself and went off for other ventures awaited. I met kings briefly who convinced me that we could still salvage the day. I embarked on the recommended task 2 which was to look for Sharon ,a naive form one and further my cause. I took the liberty of purchasing chips mwitu for her (is it not known that am the most romantic man in my village? Ask the ladies if you want ulcers). It took me a few minutes to find her,and ooooh boy the chips did magic. I convinced her that Romeo was my great great grandfather and Shakespeare was my grandfather, I went ahead to tell her that my mother and Martha Karua were deskmates in junior high. She fell for it all,hook bait and switch then I asked her if I could hold her hand,she blushed, I took hold of her hands,I asked if I could hold her waist she smiled and my hands held her waist, I asked to kiss her she said no. Now this is where notes from Simon Ashema came in handy,according to this reknown Casanova "when a girl eats your money you should get something in return. When they say no and they are smiling it is a yes...." I moved my lips closer to hers,closed my eyes like they do it on TV and then....
"Pumbavu,washenzi tabia gani kwa vichaka....." and a few other obscenities. That famous Kisii accent and shouting was the unmistakable voice of nurse Rachael. For those of you who had the misfortune of hailing from Kimilili, she was that nurse that made you dread the hospital, she showed no mercy. Leave alone this nurses you meet in Nairobi who are supper hot and make the injections feel like a date,she was not like Senge Itolondo who would tell you "kula ndio mwili ipate nguvu ya kubeba dawa" nurse Rachael was that lady who made sure you cried when giving you an injection, unfortunately she knew me very well,she even knew that circumcision name I hid from the world abd she had nabbed me milliseconds before I got my real kiss!